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Saturday, December 1, 2007

Life is Beautiful

I am a creature of habit. I thrive in structure mixed with chaos. Chaos I control. Always moving and on the go....heading toward the goals and destinations that figure into my plan.
As a child, I dreamed and imagined of what life held in the future. Anything was possible and all was probable. I was going to change the world. As I grew, dreams and imaginings turned into plans. As I grew, I planned, creating a list of goals, filled with checks and balances that would lead me to my destination...my life. But then something happened. I did not reached the milestones I had determined would show success on the path to my life. Somewhere, somehow, I had missed the events that were to be the checks and balances pointing the direction to my life. I failed. So, I slowed down. I went through the motions, placing one foot in front of the other, without direction or determination, heading farther into a dismal forest. The, I stopped. I became that which I feared--an uninspiring, unimaginative, forgettable life. I had been running, sprinting toward my dreams and my goals, only to find I'd been running in place. Somewhere along my path I accepted the doubts of those along my path. Their words echoed in my mind. Phrases and labels becoming etched so deeply inside, I believed they were true. Words, phrases, labels. All chains preventing forward motion and growth. I was worn out and yet I was standing still. Where was I? Who was I? I searched the image in my mirror for someone I recognized, only to find mediocrity starring me in the face. I had settled. I searched, harder, longer, for the girl lost on the path of the past. She imagined. She dreamed. She believed. Fear filled my chest with the realization she may be gone forever... and I was the one who lost her. How had I believed in words and not in myself? My eyes darted about, still searching, looking deeper and harder at the image, hoping to shatter the glass. I'd been sleep walking through life in that dreary forest full of shadows and was now searching for the path I'd lost somewhere in the hazy darkness. Suddenly, the sun flooded through the canopy of wearisome trees, piercing the darkness and our eyes locked. Hers and mine. I began to see. She'd been there all along, hidden by the shadows I had accepted, her scream drown out by the voices I let in. I began waking up. Emotions overwhelmed me, and tears poured down my face with the realization she'd been pointing the way all along. Not on the map of my creation, but one with a greater design. A map of my life and not to it, showing not where I was going, but where I'd been while searching for a life I'd forgotten to live. Life is found in each moment. Moments not to be markers on the way, but moments to be lived. I see the way clearly as I follow the map of greater design, not leading to a life I hope to find, but showing how to live my life. I look around at this unexpected life and realize how beautiful it is. My life is beautiful. And with that, I move forward.


allicat4 said...

Dearest of Somersets, what a lovely post! Life IS beautiful, and I am grateful that I get to share some of its moments with good friends like yourself.